Finding My Voice: Fanfiction

Do I have a voice?

For clarity's sake, I am not, at this time, discussing the important social context of this question, and how the voices of women, POC, LGBTQIA, and the disabled are ignored by society (and how it's actively drowned out if you're a cross-section of any two of the above). What I'm talking about is finding my own voice as a person, and a writer. I think that one of the hardest things for me in writing is finding my own voice. I've never known how to be me, how to represent that. It's only been the last few years, since my 35th birthday, that I've started to understand me. But if I don't know me, how can I know my voice?

The part of me that effects my work the most is my procrastination. Like so many, it stems from anxiety. I often worry about not doing my characters justice, of the plot just plain sucking. I get overwhelmed with how much needs to be done, with how far I imagine the story going, with the thousands and thousands of words that need to come out. I agonize over the fact that if I write something, there is a sudden pressure to find some way to publish it and get it out there. Combined with the occasional (frequent) listless periods that come from depression, my output is sketchy at best. But the one area where I've been the most productive is writing fanfiction.

Despite the occasional agonizing over plot points, and the endless battle in my mind as to how closely I should stick to canon (generally: my view is fuck canon), there is a simply joy in it. The characters and backstories are there, it's just up to me to mold it however I want. In reviewing my AO3 profile, I found that I have written in 36 different fandoms (usually one shots or short series) and I have posted roughly 268,000 words. That translates into roughly 600 pages. Of course, this count does not include the tens of thousands of drafted words never posted, and comment fics from my livejoural days way back in the early 2000's.

There is a saying: "fanfic: because the writers got it wrong." It's a beautiful sentiment, and while that may seem a bit arrogant, there is a logic to it. We can reflect all the promise that writers have offered in novels, t.v., and films, before the promise and premise were watered down into something palatable for mass consumption. With fanfic, we can make mold popular media into something that represents our own concerns and struggles as we search for our own identity. And there is something enormously fulfilling in righting wrongs by taking a milquetoast woman and giving her the same emotional depth as her male counterparts *coughs*MCU!BlackWidow*coughs*. For women, it's about making the main character, usually a white man, into something that represents us. (Of course, this leads to a lot of slash shipping, but I'm not going to go into that. If you want more details on the "why" of slash shipping, read "Why is the There So Much Gay Shipping in Fanfiction?" by Mary Sue. It's a great essay that explains what I'd always felt about shipping, but had never been able to articulate).

Because of fanfic, I've learned what I want to see in my writing and what I want to read; I want women leads who are strong, not infallible. If I include violence, I don't want it to be too gritty or grind house; that's not my style, and I don't care for it. I don't want to read novels immersed in history that tells me, again, about the oppression of women, LGBTQIA, and POC, and relegates us to the same, confined roles again and again. If there is romance, I want something that shows real romance, characters actually falling in love and learning about each other. I want something that shows the true internal thoughts of people that aren't just white men angsting over middle age and unrealized blah blah blah blah blah.

And in fanfic, you can often read along with an author as they discover more about themselves through their characters. There are countless amazing fics by trans authors wherein the lead characters are written trans, showing a window into a world that I am not a part of. There are stories by black authors that give you a glimpse of their reality. For me, I've read stories about asexual characters, which has informed my own discovery on the issue. (Sidenote: I am asexual. And I am disappointed that there is not a dating website called "Ace of Hearts.") I've ready stories about characters suffering from depression, stories that echoed my own struggle and helped me feel less alone. Fanfiction, unlike mainstream media, has room for so many different kinds of experiences, which have clued me into subjects and issues that would never occur to a white woman in rural California.

As for my voice as a writer, when it comes to fanfic, I think I have a talent for getting into the mood of a story or character. I can tighten my words, keep them sharp and to the point for a cold, blunt effect. I can draw out the suspense, set a mood and fill my reader with dread. With a single sentence, I can drop a reader's heart into their stomach. And with my tone, I can make a reader smile before I even get to the actual comedy. I can also make purpli-est of prose if a scene requires it, slow burn with the best, and bring a tear to your eye, though usually not all at once.

Through fanfiction, I have learned to mold my voice to the story. With a flash of inspiration, I can post a thousand words that make people smile. And when I write something that people enjoy? My heart lights up and I smile. Because even more than being "good", I want people to enjoy what I write. I want my words to sweep them away from their worries, even if only for a short time. And with the sheer variety of genres and characters I've written, I've learned so much about writing in general. I've learned what I can do well, how to switch voices and moods. For me, fanfic is so fun and easy, something I know I can do. But the downside is that I don't write original works.

In a way, fanfic is a drug, and not necessarily a good one. Because like any drug, there is a dependence issue. In reading fanfiction, I can always find something I want to read, something that allows me to look within the parameter of what I'm looking for (all hail the A03 tagging system!). I can loose days reading story after story until the blur together, helping me avoid the dull numbness of depression. And when I'm writing fanfiction, I am guaranteed an audience. I know that my story will be seen. It may not get read or commented on, but it will be seen. It is easy to be validated for these works, which makes me want to write more fanfic. And for me, writing fanfic is so easy.

When I write, I can't always visualize things, so having premade characters and locations does help. And the original media gets into my imagination, allowing characters, stories, and ideas to flourish with little effort. In my original works, I have to build the setting from scratch, create it from the ground up and learn about my new characters. But my own creations, born of my own mental labor, don't occupy the same place of fantasy.I have trouble visualizing new places and faces. I can't always see my characters; when I imagine them, they flicker in and out, like an 8mm home movie from the 60's.

The effect of fanfiction on my writing is highlighted by the fact that while there are 286,000 words of fanfiction posted to AO3, there are only 800 words of my original work post. So upon reflection, a part of the issue is that fanfic is so easy, the gratification easier to earn. The mood and energy have been establish; you just have to twist it. But on my own, in my original work, I stagnate. Partly from fear of never being good enough, but also because the basic is, as in real life, I know how to be what everyone else wants me to be; but I don't know how to be me.

So while fanfiction has given me space to play, and comforted me when I'm at my worst, I'm thinking it's time to pull back. While I'll likely never leave my fanfiction playground entirely, it is time to focus more on my own writing.

It's time to figure out what my voice is. I'm not sure how to do that, but I'll keep you posted.